I’m Only Surviving, Not Living Life.

I wake up in the morning and question if I can even make it through another day. I go to bed at night and dread having to do it all over again in the morning. I’m constantly anxious, I dwell on the thoughts of everything that isn’t going right, and I wonder what life would be like if I was actually living.

I may be breathing, but that doesn’t mean I’m alive.

Some days I feel like I’m involuntarily going through a routine, and when I reach the end of the day, I can’t even testify to any productivity I had in the day. I’m constantly tired–if I didn’t stop myself, I could easily sleep through the majority of the day. I never feel like I have energy, I’m always in a state of exhaustion and lethargy. I spend way too much time believing that I have some life threatening illness, or that my headache really means I have some brain injury, or that the tingling in my arm means I have nerve damage and I’ll be paralyzed. I worry, I stress, I fight through each minute, and when the next minute arrives, I honestly question if I’ll even win.

It is not that I don’t want to live–I genuinely want to go as far as I can in my life. But I would be lying if I said I’m living. I don’t go out, I’m not social, I’m over-encumbered by my fears, I get overwhelmed in group situations, I rarely do school work…I’m doing the least amount that I can do to get by, because trying any harder takes way too much effort.

If I could change and actually enjoy life, I would do it in a heartbeat. I’m not willingly only surviving life; I am constantly angry and frustrated with myself. What’s wrong with you, Emma? Why can’t you just suck it up, get a grip, and get over yourself? You are such a fool, you’re ignorant, disgraceful and pathetic. When all you hear is people telling you how incompetent you are, and how you’re a burden and not worth it, it’s so easy to believe that they are right. Maybe I am the problem, maybe I am just an attention whore, maybe things would be easier if I just got over myself. 

However, I’m not the ignorant one here.

I have concrete proof that I want to live my life: I haven’t given up yet. I’m fighting harder than most people do in their entire lives. When they whine and complain about petty problems, I’m facing some of the hardest challenges I have ever experienced right now, but you don’t see me throwing the towel in. I’m losing precious hours of sleep trying to figure out how I’m going to deal with all life has thrown my way. And sure, some days I don’t win the fight; some days I get angry, I panic, I stress too much, I make mistakes, I fail. But I’m not content with being broken and a failure. I hate admitting that I’m not 100%. And I’m not about to “fake it until I make it”, I would much rather be able to say with complete certainty that you know what, I am doing well and truly living.

I want so badly to live my life, because merely surviving is so tiring and annoying. I feel depressed and unmotivated constantly and no matter how hard I try, I still wake up in the morning and feel defeated before my day has even started. I don’t have these issues solved, and I don’t have some magic solution to start living life.

But I do have a select few people who surround me with support–they see that I’m not living and they want me to enjoy the time that I have on this planet. They are people who have told me, “Don’t forget to try and smile…no seriously, I mean right now! I wanna see you smile!”, “We’re going to do this together. I’ll always be here”, “If I can brighten your day, then I’ve done all I’ve ever wanted to do in life”.
These people don’t question my integrity or effort. They just want to see me get better. So even though I don’t have a plan of action to start living, I believe that these people will play an integral part in making it happen.

I need this to change…it has to change. I want to live life.
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