It’s been one full year; one full year since I made a decision that would change me for the course of my life.
A year ago today, I didn’t want to live anymore. I’m not using this post to rehash all that lead up to it since I did that in a previous post last year—you can read that here. No, what I want to do today is reflect on life’s journey for me and where I’m at today.
It’s a weird transition, living after not wanting to. Surprisingly, it didn’t take that long for me to put that feeling at bay. The most confusing part for me was learning to tell people when I needed help. I’ve never been good at that. I always had a feeling like I was burdening others with my problems—I didn’t want to put anyone out. I felt like I need affirmation or validation from people that it was okay for me to lean on their shoulders. I never realized how many people actually cared for me until after I felt like I didn’t want to live. I had a myriad of people come alongside me and invest in me, point me in directions that would benefit me.
My relationship with God grew immensely over the past year. I learned to rely on his strength and to surrender my will–what I thought would be good for me–to His will, the perfect plan for my life. I thought for the longest time that I should pray for healing from my mental illnesses, from my vices, my addictive personality. What I realized though is maybe it isn’t in God’s plan to heal me. Maybe through these struggles God will reveal my need for Him, maybe He’ll use me to encourage others experiencing these things too. If God wants to heal me, I would praise Him and be so thankful. But if healing doesn’t come for me, I will still praise Him and spread the news of His amazing grace and saving powers.
I’ve come to appreciate the little things in life more. From my family making meals for me, or taking me out to spend time with me. For my friends who check up on me, offer me opportunities to do what I want in life. I appreciate my music, how it provides so much added therapy for me. After feeling like life is too overwhelming, you come to appreciate life more. Life is such a precious thing that you should never take advantage of.
A year ago today I made a decision that wasn’t one of my best. But it has made me a better person, a better friend, a better daughter, sister. I have such a huge desire to live, to tap into my purpose, and to encourage others in whatever stage they are in.
A year later, I am living life to the full and I plan to keep it that way forever.
I eat eggs every morning at 8:30am. I used to hate breakfast, but I’ve found that if I put aside some time to get ready in the morning, a routine can and will start to form. My day starts with eggs because without it, my morning would be a mess. I eat my eggs, get changed and then I drive to work. Having a routine in the morning makes me feel like I know exactly what is going to happen—there’s no room for the unknown. And it’s that fact that makes routines such a comfort zone. Continue reading “Routines Are a Comfort Zone.”
My family has always been one to love sports. We’ve got people into hockey, baseball; others into basketball, football. No matter what the sport is, everyone in my clan enjoys it. While sports may seem a little far-fetched for me to write about—since I don’t play any except disc golf (which for the record, is the best thing since sliced bread)—I feel the need to make a sports analogy for one reason: people get it. Nearly everyone you encounter will understand sports in some way or another. If you don’t agree, let’s go over a simple checklist to make sure you will understand my analogy.
- Do you know what a team is?
- Do you know what a coach is?
- Do you have knowledge of basic sporty moves such as passing, defense, offense, blocking, ?
You got all of that? Good, great, perfect; you’ll understand this analogy better than anyone else.
God is hard to understand sometimes. Amiright? He’s mysterious in His ways and doesn’t always make things clear to us—which is kind of cool if you think about it. It’s not that we have to spend a ton of time trying to uncover the mystery, but it’s the fact that He can keep parts of Himself unknown and yet He still captivate us. Nonetheless, God isn’t always the easiest to make tangible.
Someone recently gave me a sports analogy that made God tangible and changed my mindset, so I want to expand on it a bit. Continue reading “God and Sports.”
Sometimes doubts and lies cloud my thoughts.
“Sometimes” recently has been every day. For a few months now, people have been encouraging me to speak truth into my life. It seemed like a very arbitrary thing and I wasn’t convinced it would even work. I put off giving it an effort for a long time. But then I noticed that these doubts and lies in my mind were causing me to be overly anxious. I was getting more anxiety attacks than I normally do, and I was confused—I’m on medications that are supposed to prevent these, why does it keep happening? It was then that someone revealed to me something that answered all my questions: Spiritual Warfare.
There is victory in Christ, and we are affirmed of this especially now as Easter just happened. However, we still live in a fallen and broken world and that gives Satan the opportunity to get us where we are most vulnerable. For me that is in my mind with lies and doubts that he seeds in deep. He can wound you deep in your sins and in your struggles. Continue reading “Speak Truth into Your Life.”
Hello 2015. Nice to finally meet you. I’ve got a few words I’d like to say to you, but before I do, I’d like to bid adieu to 2014.
You were a pain most of the time. I’m the youngest kid in my family, but from how my brothers describe me, you are like an annoying little sibling. You pestered me, made me put up with your shenanigans, you got me in trouble, and despite my aggressive threats you never left me alone. Continue reading “Hello 2015…Farewell 2014.”