One Year Ago.

It’s been one full year; one full year since I made a decision that would change me for the course of my life.

A year ago today, I didn’t want to live anymore. I’m not using this post to rehash all that lead up to it since I did that in a previous post last year—you can read that here. No, what I want to do today is reflect on life’s journey for me and where I’m at today.

It’s a weird transition, living after not wanting to. Surprisingly, it didn’t take that long for me to put that feeling at bay. The most confusing part for me was learning to tell people when I needed help. I’ve never been good at that. I always had a feeling like I was burdening others with my problems—I didn’t want to put anyone out. I felt like I need affirmation or validation from people that it was okay for me to lean on their shoulders. I never realized how many people actually cared for me until after I felt like I didn’t want to live. I had a myriad of people come alongside me and invest in me, point me in directions that would benefit me.

My relationship with God grew immensely over the past year. I learned to rely on his strength and to surrender my will–what I thought would be good for me–to His will, the perfect plan for my life. I thought for the longest time that I should pray for healing from my mental illnesses, from my vices, my addictive personality. What I realized though is maybe it isn’t in God’s plan to heal me. Maybe through these struggles God will reveal my need for Him, maybe He’ll use me to encourage others experiencing these things too. If God wants to heal me, I would praise Him and be so thankful. But if healing doesn’t come for me, I will still praise Him and spread the news of His amazing grace and saving powers.

I’ve come to appreciate the little things in life more. From my family making meals for me, or taking me out to spend time with me. For my friends who check up on me, offer me opportunities to do what I want in life. I appreciate my music, how it provides so much added therapy for me. After feeling like life is too overwhelming, you come to appreciate life more. Life is such a precious thing that you should never take advantage of.

A year ago today I made a decision that wasn’t one of my best. But it has made me a better person, a better friend, a better daughter, sister. I have such a huge desire to live, to tap into my purpose, and to encourage others in whatever stage they are in.

A year later, I am living life to the full and I plan to keep it that way forever.

Dear Me In One Year–Spoken Word

Dear Me In One Year–Spoken Word

I’m about to enter my senior year of high school…

and all I can think about is who I’ll be when the year is done. In response to those thoughts, a few weeks ago, I decided to write a spoken word poem about what I want from myself in one year. I was planning on keeping it to myself, but decided it was a message others might need to hear, too. I shot some footage of reading the the poem and put it all together. And now I am releasing it all out to you!
And for the record, this video is the reason I haven’t posted in a while. Don’t worry though! I will get back to my weekly schedule…I have decided on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Let’s get started on this awesomeness.

From your pal, The [Ab]normal One. 

I Dread Mornings.

I haven’t posted anything in quite some time. It has been weighing on me this week. I just can’t seem to find anything to write about or the time to sit down and write. Out of nowhere my life got extremely busy. To having more people living in my family’s house, to realizing the ACT is in less than a month. My mind has not been in the realm of writing. Even when it has been, it’s only been for my advanced composition class.
I don’t know what it is, but my brain has been fried lately. I’ve fallen into a routine of work and sleep that there isn’t much room for anything else. I haven’t been extremely social, haven’t gone out much. It’s been a lot of staying in my room, eating ice cream, doing work and falling asleep. My life is pretty boring at the moment.
I wrote a post last year about how I’m not motivated. This week is a week like that one I had last year. I care enough to not give up, but I am having to push myself extremely hard. I was talking to a friend of mine and they told me this, “…we just need to go and take the next step, even if the next step is just waking up in the morning”. I dread the morning–mostly because I haven’t been getting much sleep at night. But when it hits 6:30am, I have a choice to make. Start my day or give up.
On any given day I would much rather roll back to sleep. but I know deep down I can’t. I may not feel the best, I may not be well rested, it may be a horrible day. But I have to kick off the covers and start my day. I should stop worrying about what the next will bring–I have way too much to worry about to constantly be doing so.
This week has been a lot of starting my day when deep down I don’t want to.
I think that’s okay. I just hope next week is better.

By the way, I wrote a guest blog post for my teacher’s blog a few weeks ago. It has to do with my digital personal narrative. You can check it out here.
Your Adventures Await…Go Forth and Conquer!

Hello 2015…Farewell 2014.

Hello 2015. Nice to finally meet you. I’ve got a few words I’d like to say to you, but before I do, I’d like to bid adieu to 2014.

Dear 2014,

You were a pain most of the time. I’m the youngest kid in my family, but from how my brothers describe me, you are like an annoying little sibling. You pestered me, made me put up with your shenanigans, you got me in trouble, and despite my aggressive threats you never left me alone. Continue reading “Hello 2015…Farewell 2014.”