It’s been one full year; one full year since I made a decision that would change me for the course of my life.
A year ago today, I didn’t want to live anymore. I’m not using this post to rehash all that lead up to it since I did that in a previous post last year—you can read that here. No, what I want to do today is reflect on life’s journey for me and where I’m at today.
It’s a weird transition, living after not wanting to. Surprisingly, it didn’t take that long for me to put that feeling at bay. The most confusing part for me was learning to tell people when I needed help. I’ve never been good at that. I always had a feeling like I was burdening others with my problems—I didn’t want to put anyone out. I felt like I need affirmation or validation from people that it was okay for me to lean on their shoulders. I never realized how many people actually cared for me until after I felt like I didn’t want to live. I had a myriad of people come alongside me and invest in me, point me in directions that would benefit me.
My relationship with God grew immensely over the past year. I learned to rely on his strength and to surrender my will–what I thought would be good for me–to His will, the perfect plan for my life. I thought for the longest time that I should pray for healing from my mental illnesses, from my vices, my addictive personality. What I realized though is maybe it isn’t in God’s plan to heal me. Maybe through these struggles God will reveal my need for Him, maybe He’ll use me to encourage others experiencing these things too. If God wants to heal me, I would praise Him and be so thankful. But if healing doesn’t come for me, I will still praise Him and spread the news of His amazing grace and saving powers.
I’ve come to appreciate the little things in life more. From my family making meals for me, or taking me out to spend time with me. For my friends who check up on me, offer me opportunities to do what I want in life. I appreciate my music, how it provides so much added therapy for me. After feeling like life is too overwhelming, you come to appreciate life more. Life is such a precious thing that you should never take advantage of.
A year ago today I made a decision that wasn’t one of my best. But it has made me a better person, a better friend, a better daughter, sister. I have such a huge desire to live, to tap into my purpose, and to encourage others in whatever stage they are in.